Managing Jealousy

 Jealousy is one of the emotions that has been hard for me to conquer. I have lived through moments in life where I feel as if it's not fair that others don't suffer the same problems that I do. I know this is a selfish outlook on life, and I have been ashamed for it since I've stopped being in denial. 

Jealousy to me, is a form of anger. I grew up different. I had speech therapy as a child, and many operations as a child because of DiGeorge Syndrome . I have always felt alone, even though now I realize I have the best family support one could ask for 

In third grade, I made the move from New York City to Texas. This was because my parents had just given birth to my little brother. Dad didn't want to to raise us in the city anymore, and proceeded to take the first RN job that was available to him. I had trouble leaving since my whole life had been in the city, but they assured me that after time it would become easier.

It never became easier.

When I enrolled for fourth grade, I was like an alien to my classmates. I was quiet, and reserved because every time I tried to speak out enthusiastically, I'd always get shushed, or laughed at. 

Fifth, Sixth and so on had been all the same. I only had a few friends.

By high school, I had found a group of friends who became family. It was helpful, since at the time I was in full denial of my disorder which contributed to me and my parents having several arguments. By college, I was drained.

I paused my degree to try and move away from the chaos. Living under my parents with my brother and cousin was not ideal for me. I couldn't find my voice, and when I did my anger drove them away from listening or communicating with me.

I was always jealous of my brother, who never had as many issues as I had growing up. I was jealous of my cousin because I always felt she was my mom's favorite, and back then it seemed like my mom would take her side over mine. 

Moving away was not the answer to conquer my jealousy; it was karma for being in denial. 

Present me is currently in therapy, and doing much better. I graduated college and I'm trying to further my education and maintain my bills. I still find that jealousy is an ugly, green monster that enjoys creeping up on me when I least expect it. However, with the help of my therapist, I've discovered some ways to stop before the jealousy consumes my positivity.

1. I've always been told that exercising will solve all my mental health issues. While that may be true for some, it isn't for me. Cardio is not my friend, and the only way someone would find me running for something is if there's a reward at the finish line. Everyone is different though. I found my favorite work out is actually kick boxing. I used to take Tae Kwon Do as a child, and through high school, so Kick Boxing felt like riding a bicycle. It was the perfect outlet to unleash my anger that had harbored inside for so many years.

2. Art has been a recent passion of mine. I use my art to let go of negative emotions I feel. One example of this is writing all my jealousy filled thoughts, on a blank canvas. Redirecting my energy to feel lighter, and turning my jealousy into a beautify piece of artwork is a great metaphor on how to manage it.

3. My therapist has taught me a tool that has been very encouraging. I use it in all scenerios that help me understand how to center myself. It's called the Venn diagram method. The right circle is you. This is your own bubble, and you can choose which boundaries to apply and who to let in. The left circle is everyone in your life, family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. It helps visualize the invisible boundary when you feel jealousy towards someone from that circle. For instance, I feel jealousy towards my cousin, but I remember that she isn't part of my own circle. The middle, where both circles intertwine, are the ones you mingle with that respect your boundaries.  This method has helped me navigate through work situations and let go of jealous, negative thoughts. 

I'm still looking for more ways to guide myself away from being jealous. Since I have experienced it first hand, I know how heavy the anger weighs down on energy. Going forward in life, I definitely want to continue to create a positive, environment for my personal self-care. I hope my tips can help anyone who comes across this blog. 

What To Do When Your Life is Up in Flames

Imagine this.

You're just going about life, dealing with all the ups and downs that come with it. All of a sudden, with no warning what so ever, 

On top of everything in your life going up in flames, you also have to deal with the unfortunate reality that you are slowly going blind, due to cataracts. 

Hi. This is me. My life is currently a dumpster fire. Not in the way that permits me to become a victim though.

It's hard enough living with a disorder called DiGeorge syndrome. Living in denial about DiGeorge for half of my life, hasn't helped my life much either. DiGeorge Syndrome is known as a defect in the 22nd chromosome. Basically, this means that my genetics and everything in between are all messed up for life. 

It was hard for me to accept DiGeorge as it was not particularly a disorder that is well-known. It's difficult to explain to people all the symptoms that it comes with, and all the trials and tribulations I have faced, so I usually take the easy route and say I have typical anxiety, depression and ADHD (which all stemmed from this disorder, by the way). 

It's been a struggle accepting myself and all of my flaws. I know there are other adults my age that also have DiGeorge because it is being spiked out about more online, than it had been in previous years. 

I never wanted to become a poster child for DiGeorge, and I still don't want to, nor do I think I would even qualify. I just know my truths, and the fact that I am finally ready to share them with others who might need insight keeps me from going out to the middle of some abandoned woods, and screaming my lungs out in frustration. 

At the end of last year, I came to terms with the fact. that my lifestyle I was living wasn't fulfilling. Sure, I had a car, I had my own apartment and I had a job that paid my bills. Even though I joke about being a hermit, I even had a small social life. I wasn't able to comprehend the fact that I needed more. I needed to learn how to love myself. I needed to take responsibility for my depression and my PTSD. I also needed to come to terms with the fact that there was no denying it anymore, I needed health care. 

And thus started the tedious process of applying for SSI. I'm currently in the middle of this process, and I keep getting denied for Medicare. This is also why my family involved a lawyer to help my case. 

My eyes started becoming bad at the end of last year. I had extensive astigmatism, and found driving at night to be uncomfortable. I also found that my vision in my right eye kept getting worse and worse. Turns out, cataracts aren't just something that happens to old people. The reason that I, a 32 year old female, would even have cataracts all points back to my fantastic genetics. 

Right now, this prevents me from working or even driving. After months and months, my family and I were able to schedule my surgery. It is currently the beginning of May, as I type this, and I still have a few more weeks to go. I also don't know if I can keep sane while waiting so please join me as I document all of these changes I will have to put up with these next few weeks. I have no idea what my future holds, or what type of job I will get when I am finally able to start working in the real world again. I just hope that recording this journey might be a form of comfort for me, as well as something I can look back on and tell my future self that I made it. 

I also hope I can reach other adults who have DiGeorge syndrome as well and will be able to form a community with our stories. 

Life is definitely a dumpster fire at the moment, but it's ok because I know I have been through worse and I can get through this as well.